Dumb & Dumber: The Secret Master Plan

Office Of The Secretary
Department of State
Top Secret (Really Mean It)

Dearest Bam:

Well, it's working, despite the fact that your man Ram said that "nobody would believe that we would be this stupid." Apparently they do, which is their problem. They actually believe that we would keep all of these "secret" notes and messages out in the open, where very low grade military personnel have access to them. They are also gullible enough to truly believe that we didn't notice his "stealing" the secrets, downloading them onto a thumb-thingy, and handing them to evil WikiLeaks. All without our knowing it. As if!

What a brilliant plan: using the world's deeply held belief that, since we could no longer be the richest country, or the most powerful, we had decided to become the dumbest country. What a misdirection! We took great risks as a nation to achieve this, and let's be honest, we owe partial thanks to our opposition (Republicans, not just Fox and its TP) for calling us stupid and/or evil 24/7/366.

First, hat off to you My Bam for making the entire country sit in the waiting room for almost an entire year, while all of Washington and its media nurses, talked about healthcare. All the while we had to appear not to be doing anything else at all about our real problems! Brilliant ploy and courageous on your part for taking that hit. And, in the end, no real issue, since as we expected, Congress has fallen and the crazy health bill will be toast before we borrow the first dime to buy flu-shots.

Then, the "double surge" strategy in the wars. China, Russia, Iran, N. Korea, and Pakistan all completely dumfounded by this doubling-down. China, in particular, is extremely worried about a country (us again) so apparently crazy it makes N. Korea look like Tahiti. The best part of it is that we get them to pay for it by lending us the dough! No wonder Tom Friedman of the Times loves those guys! Real morons, even if only you and I know it, Mr. President.

Oh Bam, my favorite "leak" was the one about our pal the Saudi leader, who wanted us to "cut off the head of the snake" by crushing Iran's nuclear plans. Isn't it hysterical to hear the unfamiliar unanimity on every cable gab-fest and in every town square? Everyone is saying: "Hey, Mr. Fat & Lazy, how about taking some of our oil-dollars and an ounce of guts and doing the job yourself, since we're already busy cleaning up your royal messes all over the place." Of course, "they" all think we're Dumb & Dumber on this one too, for even talking to this sleaze, whom we inherited. But, like the Chinese, he has to pay for it. Maybe we are just mercenaries now, but we're mercenaries with a plan!

Finally, and I know how much sacrifice and effort this took for both of us; we and especially our opposition simply had to appear to not really care much about the state of education in the US to make this thing work. There will be time to make up for this later, we hope, but in order to convince the world, especially our enemies (the French are too easy) that we really are this dumb, we could not develop a radically new school plan. Our master plan hinges on the world believing that we are committed to being dumb for generations. Thank goodness those fabulous Kardashian girls were willing to secretly come on board, even if they don't realize Langley runs their whole ditzy show. Brilliant idea and timing.

Admiringly Yours,

Hill

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POTUS
White House

Note to David Axelrod. Please draft a brief response to State. Also, guard her letter with your life for possible later use (leak), in the event that she wants to challenge us for 2012. As agreed, if our grand plan, Operation D&D,  works, we take full credit, if not, all credit to State and Big Old Foggy Bottom herself!

B. H. O.