This Just In: Holiday News Briefs

1) Not everyone is upset about the new TSA pat-down procedures. My friend Mulligan, who lives just down the lane, has taken to flying again. After going years without taking a trip, he is now planning weekly trips. "This is much easier than dating," he told me, "It's also a lot cheaper than buying drinks, dinner, and expensive French wine. Talk about a quickie; there's barely time for conversation. And, it's totally legal!" Only in America, Friends.

2) Many US citizens were upset about recent news reports saying that the senior Taliban agent who had been holding promising peace talks with Afghan President Karzai was an imposter. The guy walked away with a small fortune for just showing up, leading some to think he may at one time have been employed by the State of New York. But, President Karzai reportedly took it in stride. "After all, " he told advisors, "I am not really the President either, so he got hosed too." Only in Afghanistan.

Kashistan

3) NYC's mayor has been having trouble with his candidate to take over the city's public schools. She is a publishing exec who has never taught, did not attend public school and whose children did not attend them either. According to the mayor, she is qualified because, "She is tough as nails, has a ton of dough in the bank, wrote a book about herself, and they had to force her out of a job by promoting her. She's a lot like me, except taller, although I am, of course,  smarter and much richer." Only in New Singapore.

4) Americans were resting much easier this morning to learn that US and South Korean forces will hold "joint exercises" as a response to an actual N. Korean bomb attack on our southern ally. A secret source has told us that we also have a plan to hold a dance marathon with an ally (we're looking) in the event that Iran actually "lights up Rudolph's nose"(secret code) someday in Rock Center.

What hit me?

5) The NFL recently sent out 5,000 questionnaires to former players. They were asked to submit information regarding any violent helmet to helmet hits they might have experienced. It also asked them for info about any lingering effects from such hits. 80% of the responding players could not remember ever being hit at all. After  a thorough review, the league found that 60% of the ones who did remember violent hits were kickers, kick-holders, or reserves who had never actually played in a game. The League said that it would keep changing the questions until it received mostly the answers it wanted to hear from players.

6) Apple announced that it will soon offer an online full-service bank to be known as ikaching. At the same time, Apple said that it will establish ATM's and branches in thousands of Starbuck's around the world, beginning in the US. Steve Jobs, Apple's chief remarked, "We asked people how they would feel about banking with a company that was not run by bank robbers, lent to those who could actually repay, and kept accurate records. We got an amazingly positive response." A Google spokesperson said that they had a comment, but it was a secret.