Guaranteed Cures For Insomniacs!

Lately, without even trying, like Columbus, we've discovered a whole new world of ways to be put to sleep. In our case, it has been at the wrong hour; however, carefully managed, the following are absolutely guaranteed to put you to sleep in a matter of minutes at the proper time:

World Cup Soccer: Do not worry that these games, featuring overpaid men chasing a ball around a lawn are scheduled for ninety minutes, plus "extra" time, often with an add-on half-hour "third-half." You will fall asleep after less than 10% of the game has been played! Just the thought of these guys running and walking around all day to produce a thrilling 0-0 tie might put you to sleep. Plus, they include a free loud soundtrack that is very much like the loud buzzing sound of those mosquitos in your bunk at night back at that awful soccer camp your parents made you attend for getting such poor grades. Curiously, this incessant buzzing now has a strange hypnotic effect. Vuvuzzzzzzzela.

Wimbledon: In 2006, celebrating a 50 year love affair with lawn tennis and its aesthetically pleasing serve and volley style, we visited Wimbledon for the first time. We were initially thrilled by the idea of actually being at what was once the center of a vibrant lawn tennis world. But, we soon found that it wasn't just jet- lag that was making us weary.

All of the players stood at the baseline, pounding and grunting away, trying to hit the ball through an opponent with precisely the same style at the other baseline. Both baselines had turned into a light brown dust, while up the center and to the right and left of the net, the grass was so fresh and green, it appeared to have had an electric fence around it. Wimbledon has become such a corporate game, devoid of any artistry as performed by Althea Gibson, Lew Hoad, and many many more (okay, Federer is an exception, but even he is afraid of the net). They have taken all the risk, the whimsy, the real athleticism out of the game, so that the players treat the courts as if they had been painted on a parking lot. The Longest game in history? Please. But, you will have The Longest Snooze.

The NBA: We watched about five minutes of the sixth game of the "Finals" between the Celtics and the Lakers. Holy Sleep-Eze, how bad were the other teams! As with Wimbledon, this has become the ultimate corporate game: the point is to get to tell people you were there with Jack or Dustin, as a corporate guest, of course.

These guys can't shoot; they do not like to play defense (why should they when the opponent can't shoot); they foul on every play, and some even get called; who cares, they can't shoot foul shots. This game is kept alive by tax breaks for building local coliseums, for the "corporations" that buy the tickets, food and beverages, and, most likely, for the owners foolish enough to toss away part of their fortunes and the players themselves. You will be in dreamy land before the first field goal from 10 feet or more goes through the hoop. Bill Russell and friends would have trounced all of these guys for far less dough. Swizzzzzzzzzh.

Major League Baseball: We believe that any one of the recommendations above will put you to sleep, but, if for some reason they should fail, here is the grandaddy of them all: the nearly 4-hour baseball game. As with soccer, don't worry, you will be snoozing long before the umpire, players, pitchers and catchers figure out tonight's strike zone.

What can you say about a game that now considers the Walk to be an exciting play? What can you say about announcers who ecstatically call a 14 pitch, 10 foul ball performance a "great at bat?" What can you say about a World Series game that begins on an chilly October evening and ends on a frigid November morning. Sleep is what you can say! You could watch the first couple of innings, switch to the MI-5 and Mentalist shows you recorded, then still catch the the last two innings; except that you will be dreaming away long before that. We guaranzzzzee it.

We also note:
....Watching the Elena Kagan Hearings.... Apparently, they think she may be the most exciting Justice. Oy. Her answers are as non-comittal as our friend Eight Ball's.... Rating: 8.0 Z's.
....Reading about the exploits of the newly arrested Russian Spy Ring.... read about their recipes for BBQ sauce, their secrets of coaching youth soccer (see World Cup above), and how the FBI almost missed them, because they actually never gathered any secrets. Rating: 8.5 Z's. Trial rating 10.0 Z's.
....Waiting for LeBron to make up his mind....The mere thought that New Yorkers or even Brooklynites think LeBron will make a huge difference in the city will put you out. If you doubt this, read "NBA" above....Rating:  9.0 Z's