Friday, December 31, 2010

About Absolutely Nothing At All

Kramer
copyright©2010TWMcDermott

It's much more difficult to write about nothing at all than you might imagine, although some have managed it rather well.

Seinfeld, for example, was a tremendously successful TV show precisely because it was, as George so succinctly put it, "about nothing at all, absolutely nothing." These words captivated the suits at NBC and the rest is TV history, which is pretty much like real history.

Sarte, as you know from college or your French phase, went on for some 800 pages about Being And Nothingness. His fellow countryman, Proust, whose work has become a lifelong challenge for me, is the all-time-champ. He wrote several volumes in his cork-lined bedroom from which he seldom ventured, in which nothing much happens at all: at least nothing anyone else ever noticed.

Is it merely coincidence that these two, who knew so much about nothing, were French? We do not think it is a coincidence and offer as further evidence Samuel Beckett. He was Irish, but wrote Waiting For Godot in Paris, apparently because he wanted to see if he could create an entire play, which would become famous mainly due to the fact that nothing much happened in it and nobody really understood it. He succeeded and so we must agree that the French are probably the best at Nothing. This may explain why they stay indoors a lot, have a pharmacy on every corner, and really know how to eat and drink.

Beckett
We come to the last day of the year prepared to look back on the events of the recent past: the last 364 days to be exact. Then, we try to look into the future to see what might happen; even making a few specific predictions about our own behavior, which we call resolutions, many of which will come to....you know what.

We do know some things will happen for sure. My home state will get a new Governor, arguably the first one we've had in some time. This would be a big something, except that it will happen in Albany, a "city" that was built in the middle of nowhere, by people who had no place else to go and nothing much else to do with their time.

In fact, the vacuum all around Albany is so pronounced that it creates the exact opposite phenomenon than you would think, allowing it to act much like a huge set of pneumatic tubes, sucking many forms of revenue from every corner of the state, except Albany itself.

And who better to reform this system than a son of Albany? The new gov spent many formative years there, as the son of a gov (some think a son of other things too). He attended Albany Law School, which, as its name suggests, specializes in a very particular kind of law mostly designed to protect the legal and physical aspects of the aforementioned vacuum-revenue system.

Cash Tubes
Some consider the new gov to be handsome, although it's hard to say, because he is seldom seen, and heard even less. He ran a stealth campaign and is forming a stealthy administration so far. He wears white broadcloth straight-collared shirts at all times, perhaps even as pajamas, and ties his knot in a half-Windsor like his dad-gov. With his background and pedigree, if anyone should be an expert on Nothing as practiced in Albany, it is he.

It is said that the new gov has a secret plan, which, as far as we can tell, could be even better than nothing.

Bon Courage! And, keep your sense of humor, or if you must, keep ours.


Ed Note: Some of you may have noticed the more than passing resemblance between Kramer and Beckett. This is obviously not a coincidence.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

A King's Human Speech

copyright©TWMcDermott

We've just seen The King's Speech, a film about King George VI's painful royal battle with a stammer. Sounds like a boring subject for a film? Wrong.

Strange, but we actually LISTEN to someone who has difficulty speaking. The struggle to form the words draws our rapt attention rather than repelling it. We also feel embarrassment in the face of such human difficulty, especially in someone so privileged, but we are listening.
George VI

We root for George VI (Bertie) in the film in part because, let's face it, this is Colin Firth and we like him. We like the wise-guy speech specialist too (Geoffrey Rush). We cheer because the new King is made likable vs. his cold royal parents and his imbecile brother the Duke of Windsor, the former king. Finally, we root for him because we're just tired of bad royal behavior and because we love an underdog.

Wouldn't it be fun and refreshing to have to wait to hear the words form, when all the TV gaggling heads put forth their political and commercial pre-packaged nonsense? Why pay attention to them when we already know what they are going to say? They will say something, anything that appeals to those who have chosen to tune in to that particular point of view or network. 

We're not saying that our leaders should suddenly begin to stammer exactly. But we do think it would be great if they were forced to really think about every single word carefully,  as if it will be really meaningful to us, the listeners, instead of for their own legacy, such as they imagine it to be.

Perhaps we've finally had  enough of legacies, bold action, or thoughtful inaction. Perhaps we've heard enough Fairy Tales. Maybe we've arrived at a place where we are perfectly suited to a stammering, struggling leader, who just happens to honestly take his responsibility to us more seriously than his/her legacy. Maybe we are tired of the slick, the branded, the deciders, the undecided, the ones who are obsessed with how history will see them instead of really making history.

If we can imagine such a leader, can't we find her or him? We're betting that they do not have an active Twitter account, a reality TV show, a few billion, or a dance instructor. 


We're betting that they've probably failed at something in the course of their lives, maybe something big: a business or a marriage. Maybe they've been fired, shot-at, seriously ill, seriously poor, seriously scared and overcome it somehow. In other words, they will speak in human terms, not comic book super-human terms.


And maybe then we'll really listen to what we need to hear instead of what we want to hear.
Until then, go to a theatre and watch George VI, a wealthy, royally privileged white European man, who once upon a time actually made a real difference, instead of just pretending. Let's see if we can find a our own stammering or flawed human, rather  than a perfect "brand." 

S-s-s-oon p-p-p-p-lease.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

A Few Good Things About Winter. No, Really


                                                  I am entrenched
                                                  Against the snow,
                                                  Visor lowered
                                                  To blunt its blow


                                                   I am where I go
                                                       - Winter, by Samuel Menashe


1. The plow hasn't come yet, the Internet and cable are both out. The airports are closed and flights cancelled. The paper hasn't come and won't. Ah, finally, time with the family!


©twmcdermott2010
2. One good thing about snow: it doesn't flood. Until it melts.

3. Reading Russian novels! Their bulk, once so forbidding, seems more accommodating, like a perfectly built fire, your favorite chair, that red you've been saving for just the right occasion. Like now.

4. Those mauve colored vinyl mukluks with the fur lining your Aunt Sylvia gave you one Christmas: the ones up in the attic? You can finally wear them; there are seventeen inches outside. Nobody will notice.

5. Out of coffee, you find that emergency bag in the freezer. Whole beans. You can't find the old grinder, and Santa didn't remember to give you one for Christmas, did he?

6. You begin to build a pile, small at first. A pair of shorts, a well-worn polo shirt, the swimsuit with the turtles on it. You will build upon it as weeks pass. You're going to the island. Only 74 more days.

Raeburn, The Rev. Walker Skating
7. Greys, browns. More shades of grey, brown. Sky, streets, trees, rocks. An overnight flurry. Nature's Whitener, guaranteed to last a whole day, or maybe two.

8. Platform tennis (aka paddle), ice skating on the tennis court, squash, yoga. The truly desperate play tennis indoors: serve, error, serve, error. Only 79 days until the outdoor nets go up and you finally have a rally.

9. College break. Five weeks! Part time study. Profs skiing in Italy. Full time tuition. No child left behind: only parents.

10. Walking into town towards the tail end of the storm and greeting the others walking, instead of driving those hulking Durangos. For you few, the town becomes a village once again.

Bonus. That huge four-wheel drive seven passenger SUV you leased? The one which only holds one smallish person for trips to town and yoga 90% of the time? You finally really need it to make the driveway hill.

©twmcdermott2010
Double Bonus. The chimney sweep, the guy who sold you the new shovel, the plowman, the one who delivered the wood, the inventor of fatwood, the guest who gave you the Chateau du Tertre '95, the dog by your side near the fire. You love them all.

Ed Note: the poem by Samuel Menashe is from the Poetry Foundation series of books by winners of the Neglected Masters Award. It is a Library of America book:
http://www.loa.org/
The photo of the house with "snow-fingers" and blue plow were taken in Forest Hills Gardens several winters ago.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

The Year In Review

The Third Garage
copyright©2010TWMcDermott

Lipitor at night,
Baby aspirin in the morning,
Recycle Thursday night,
Gone by Friday's dawning.
Day in, day out routine can be a fright,
Yikes, a whole year's gone without warning!

Full moon winter entry,
Shadows on the lawn;
Santa's boarding plenty,
It's late and my little dog yawns.

Morning paper in its blue suit,
coffee plugged and perking;
One gov in, one gov out,
Whatever! New taxes lurking.

Meadowlands' fans: brrrr,brrrr,brrrr
"Giant" Santa dressed in blue.
Eagle win, gift-rapped in gold and myrrh,
Relax! Here's our annual review:

Old Le Carre' books put a Smiley on our face,
The new Duffy record we'll embrace.
Pork dumplings, skewered lamb:
To Main St. Flushing, better scram.
Chicken Club at Crosby Street,
Toms around our little feet,
Happy I am, I am.

The new WSJ-Off Duty, old Bud Powell,
For Stonyfield Froze Yogurt,
Java, Dark Chocolate we did howl!
Karzai's getting bags of coal,
Kim & Co. took their toll,
The Mentalist's Jane & Lisbon rule!
Betty White gave us a fright,
Obama's folks think he turned right,
Tea Parties rumbled through the night,
Waiting For Superman burned so bright!

A new townhouse with 1,000 books.
A cool new, new Sherlock & his crooks.
A Crisfield steak wedge with sauce to go,
Warm baguettes from June & Ho, Ho, Ho.
Irish oatmeal from Jerry & Martha's,
Chicken Noodle from Al Dente,
Brioche from Kneeded Bread's warm hearth-a,
All of these we consumed so gently.

William Smith College, mustasched Deans,
And these were the women. Holy Anthropology!
Thanks much to Greenwich E-Room teams,
Telemetry, and the stent-orians of Yale Cardiology.
.




Blog-Post Fans we love you truly.
Your flames burned so true bluely!

Happy Everything
From Thirdgarage


Ed Note and Request: We'd like you to take a moment to consider that you receive Thirdgarage and RareBurghers absolutely free (so far). May we suggest even a modest year-end donation to one of these organizations we like and  support?  Yes, we may. Thank You.


The Carver Center:
http://www.carvercenter.org/

Greyston Foundation:
http://www.greyston.org/

Partners In Health, Haitian Aid:
http://www.pih.org/

REACH Prep:
http://www.reachprep.org/








Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Resolutions, More Or Less

copyright©2010TWMcDermott

I read somewhere a long time ago that the two worst times to make resolutions are New Year's Day and a birthday. Research had shown that these were the times, when you were least likely to make sound judgements, due to the euphoria or despondency surrounding one or both dates.

I liked this idea so much, I immediately resolved not to make resolutions at all, on any day. Consequently, I have never failed to lose that fifteen pounds, save that extra ten thousand, climb Kilimanjaro, or run in any marathons. Despite this lapse, I remain amazingly, some might suggest naively, content.

Thus, I was perplexed, to say the least, when an enthusiastic fan requested to see my list of New Year's Resolutions for 2011. Ever curious, and throwing caution and personal history to the winds, I succumbed to the request and developed what I would call New Year's Aspirations:

1. To impose my own personal tax reform by overcoming all temptations to engage in conversation regarding any form of tax: flat, high, low, income, sales, VAT, progressive, regressive, delinquent, school, property or the aptly named sewer.

2. To never again eat in a restaurant that has no oven in its kitchen, and to refrain from ordering anything on a menu with rose petals in it.

3. To install that electric fence around the file marked "Real Estate."

4. To watch at least one TV show on an actual TV, at its regularly scheduled time, with commercials, without putting it on hold, or making any pretense whatsoever that it is a depiction of reality.

5. To sit back and enjoy the fact that Metro North is able to spend untold millions doing many things to the local station, which had little or no need of doing, and wishing that we'd buy more trains instead. Silly thoughts.

6. To meet fewer people who have written a memoir, are currently writing one, or who are contemplating paying someone to write one for them.


7. To no longer lie awake at night wondering why people merrily part with $50,000 for a year of essentially part-time study in a premium-brand college, while weeping and wailing uncontrollably about their $5,000 local school tax.


8. To overcome any temptation to curate anything, or to be curated.

9. To quit worrying why almost all start-ups never do.


10. To simply accept the rise of The Kardashians and not worry about its meaning. Same for the Karzais.

Bonus. To remind myself why I ceased making resolutions in the first place and to embrace and love my fans while distancing myself from some of their risky advice.

Ed Note: A slightly different version of this post ran in the 1/17/10 print and online edition of The Rye (NY) Record: http://www.ryerecord.com/ , Page A17, where the author is a regular columnist, and as some few brave and wise souls might say, humorist. Please try to remain calm while navigating the paper's "unusual" online system. It is, apparently, state of the art, but only if that state's capital is Albany.









Finnish-ing School

Alcatraz
copyright©2010TWMcDermott


Motivation. I attended a meeting recently which was held in an elementary school classroom. While listening to people speak, my eye wandered to the front wall to a sign printed in block letters. This is what the sign said:

1. Be quiet and stay in your seat.
2. No talking while others are talking.
3. Raise your hand. No calling out.
4. No throwing!
5. Keep hands & feet to yourself.
6. Follow directions.
7. Treat others the way you would like to be treated.

Several thoughts sprang to mind:

1. This is the same sign that might have hung in my school fifty years ago.
2. We haven't changed the rules.
3. I wondered if kids still notice that the author actually breaks rule #7 by writing the other six.
4. It made me want to shout out loud, dance a jig, hurl my pencil, touch Betty Lou's braid, and, most dreaded of all, look forward to the excitement and fun of learning.

                                                 ____________________________________

Angry Birds. Some of you may already know about Angry Birds. In fact, the data shows that you are probably not even reading this, because you are on your phone playing Angry Birds. Those fearful school-children mentioned above are not paying attention to anything BUT Angry Birds.

For those of us still operating on the analog planet Earth, Angry Birds is an app game which has been downloaded 50million times this year. It cost $100K for Rovio Mobile, a Finnish company, to make it and so far in 2010 it has taken in $8million (see story link below).

This is a cartoon game in which, yes, angry birds, try to annihilate little green pigs who have stolen their eggs. A player earns points for resourceful and accurate annihilation of pigs and their property. This is only one of many successful Rovio game apps and Rovio is but one of thousands of app companies developing games.

Caution: someone might be severely tempted to add Classroom  Rule # 8 above, which would state: "DO NOT PLAY ANGRY BIRDS OR ANY OTHER APP GAMES." We would like to remind you that Finland has some of the finest schools on Earth.

__________________________________________________

Stop whispering. I'm fairly certain that the idea of people, especially young ones, being obsessed with a game like Angry Birds is going to upset certain other people. I'm also fairly certain that many of these people are going to wonder what might be wrong with the set of classroom rules mentioned above. After all, we can't teach while chaos is happening all around us can we?

Hello! Chaos is happening all around us. Funny thing, but kids seem to notice this kind of thing, which is one of the chief things that make kids so annoying to adults. We poked the internet bubble in plain sight. We massacred our financial system in a way that would make the Angry Birds pig-green with envy! We're trying like crazy to hide a couple of wars in the closet with crazy Aunt Margaret, not to mention the fact that we've borrowed more eggs than those greedy green pigs could ever begin to imagine.  Our kids' daily schedules would frighten any CEO. And the Kardashians are our national heroes.

Gee, why do our kids seem so distracted all the time?

Be quiet? Don't throw things? Follow Directions? Please.

Children, as the great Philosopher and Teacher Radiohead said, "Stop whispering, Start shouting."

Ed Notes:

Times Angry Birds' stroy:
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/12/12/technology/12birds.html

Rovio, the game-maker:
http://www.rovio.com/

Radiohead tune:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k2WG_0-CgYA

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Year-End Reflections: The Duchy of Fenwick, Revisited

copyright©2010twmcdermott

Imagine a once proud country, now on the brink of bankruptcy. The country has thrived for generations on the sale of a specialized product to another country. Suddenly, an unscrupulous producer in that importing country creates a far cheaper knock-off product, and overnight the exporting country is thrown into financial and social chaos.

What to do? The heads of state and their counsels, almost entirely composed of white males of modest intelligence, seem incapable of action. The titular head of state's cunning, conceited and completely self-assured prime minister hatches a foolproof plan: we must immediately declare war on the other country.

With what army, with what weapons, and with what funds, inquire the astounded counsels and titular head of state whose own father recently sat on the same high chair?

Do not be alarmed, answers the minister, we mean to lose the war as soon as possible. There is no more profitable enterprise than to declare war against the thieving country in question. They are universally known to forgive any transgression quickly and to shower the former adversary with riches, even if they have to borrow heavily to do it.

Our nation can move from bankruptcy to prosperity overnight, the PM declares!

Absurd you say? Exactly. A few of you may have recognized the plot of a brilliant 1959 film called The Mouse That Roared, starring Peter Sellers as the Grand Duchess of Fenwick, and  the Prime Minister, and the Commander of the Fenwickian troops, Tully Bascombe.

The fictional product in question was a wine called Pinot Grand Fenwick and it was almost exclusively exported to the United States until 1959, when a California vintner managed to duplicate the alpine wine's flavor and texture, as well as its distinctive label.

Of course, the twist that really powers the film is the fact that Tully leads his troops into Manhattan on the day of a nuclear drill, when the streets are empty, and they cannot find anyone to whom they can surrender. What's worse, or funnier (for moviegoers, not the PM), is that Tully is a patriotic zealot. He not only fails to lose, but he captures a scientist with knowledge of a doomsday weapon and wins the war in a single day.

For some reason, we've been thinking about that movie a lot lately.

Imagine a slightly different, more contemporary screenplay: weak, almost medieval foes who manage to engage a superpower in decades-long wars. Imagine their ministers stealing elections, wearing funny hats and openly carrying their new bags of borrowed superpower cash. Imagine chasing both real and feigned doomsday weapons for years and years and years, all the while borrowing and paying.

Also, imagine the superpower's citizenry mostly pretending that none of this really exists as far as their daily lives are concerned (except for the few military families and their friends) and focusing instead on the lives of its celebrities, their wealth, and their tips on raising children.

Funny, if it wasn't so ridiculous and completely unbelievable.


Ed Note: The Mouse That Roared was originally a novel by Leonard Wibberley. The film is available on DVD from Netflix. Highly recommended. Strangely, there is a Facebook page for the Duchy of Fenwick, written as if it actually existed. 

Friday, December 3, 2010

Dear Nick, Sincerely, Your BFF Virginia


St. Nicholas, AKA Santa                                                               
North Pole

Dear Nick,

I, Virginia, your BFF, will be twelve years old by the time you make your rounds this year. Can you believe it? I hope that you will be able to use your reindeer and sleigh again, but I worry about that, since  my dad says that you might need to use a boat soon.

He read us a news story today about some place called Norfolk, Virginia (no relation), which is already having much higher tides, because your pole and the other one are melting fast. Things are especially bad when the moon is full (please note: Dec 21).

?4U. Will you really need to switch to a boat soon, Nicky? Will you need to move someplace else? Hope not. I can’t imagine your being anywhere else but in the North Pole, with real ice all around and not that stuff that, like, comes with my ice cream birthday cake.

Maybe you’re one of those people who don’t believe there is any such thing as global warming? Some people say it’s about as real as you or the Tooth Fairy, but I’m not sure why they say that. Adults can be so…well, DF.

I want you to know that this year I do not need any new stuff. We have this thing now called Black Friday, which kinda sounds really bad, I know, but here’s the 411 on it. It’s supposed to be good for the economy. The economy has been very, very sick from getting a terrible contagious disease from when you go to the bank and put your money in a contaminated money-shrinker.

Anyway, on Black Friday everyone gets into a real frenzy and buys up everything in sight. OMG, I’m not making this up; they even get up at 3:30 in the morning to shop! So, between that and my birthday (Dec 20), I get a lot of stuff, like a new chair for my room made entirely from air-freshener, ETC.

Please think about this. I was born in 1998 near the turn of the last century. My mom and dad get all teary-eyed about it: not about me their DEGT, about 1998, silly. I guess that was a really great time; before some “bubble” burst; before 9/11; before a couple of wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, where very brave soldiers and marines are still fighting. Then we had cars that like would not work and that sick money epidemic thing I mentioned.

My mom says that wars are the only things without expiration dates. Milk, yogurt, credit cards, even my new chair all have them, but not wars. Maybe you could work on that for her?

This is the only century I’ve ever had and the only life I’ve had. I didn’t even know that it was one of the worst times ever in all history until I heard my parents’ friends talking. I’ve actually been having a pretty good time; it’s the only time I have.

So, this year, I really want you to bring a surprise for my parents: a much better next decade. I don’t know much about decades, since I’ve only seen one so far, but I’m sure that you do. You’ve had lots of them.

From listening to grown-ups, I can describe it a little: mostly what it will not be:


  •       It should not be either red or blue; not from Washington, D.C. or places called Albany or Sacramento.
  •       Try and get it, Dearest Nick, without borrowing a dime from a friend in China like most people. (Adults get all FUBB about China)
  •      It should not have inc. or .com after it and try to get one that’s not made by your friend in China; also, it should not require using a remote.
  •       It is not owned by a Russian billionaire or a billionaire Mayor.
  •       It does get 50 mpg and its schools are a lot better than the ones we have now.
I know that’s a lot to ask, but you can spread it over ten years, which is a long time. My parents even say the last ten seemed like a hundred. I don’t know; I just love them and wish they would not worry so much.

Best to Mrs. C and Rudy TRNR (reindeer can swim, right?).

Please BC. Very, very C.

Sincerely,

Virginia,


Lexicon:

BFF= Best Friend Forever
?4u= question for you
DF= Don’t even go there
DEGT= Darling daughter
FUBB= Fouled up beyond belief
BC= Be Cool

copyright©2010TWMcDermott

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Dumb & Dumber: The Secret Master Plan

Office Of The Secretary
Department of State
Top Secret (Really Mean It)

Dearest Bam:

Well, it's working, despite the fact that your man Ram said that "nobody would believe that we would be this stupid." Apparently they do, which is their problem. They actually believe that we would keep all of these "secret" notes and messages out in the open, where very low grade military personnel have access to them. They are also gullible enough to truly believe that we didn't notice his "stealing" the secrets, downloading them onto a thumb-thingy, and handing them to evil WikiLeaks. All without our knowing it. As if!

What a brilliant plan: using the world's deeply held belief that, since we could no longer be the richest country, or the most powerful, we had decided to become the dumbest country. What a misdirection! We took great risks as a nation to achieve this, and let's be honest, we owe partial thanks to our opposition (Republicans, not just Fox and its TP) for calling us stupid and/or evil 24/7/366.

First, hat off to you My Bam for making the entire country sit in the waiting room for almost an entire year, while all of Washington and its media nurses, talked about healthcare. All the while we had to appear not to be doing anything else at all about our real problems! Brilliant ploy and courageous on your part for taking that hit. And, in the end, no real issue, since as we expected, Congress has fallen and the crazy health bill will be toast before we borrow the first dime to buy flu-shots.

Then, the "double surge" strategy in the wars. China, Russia, Iran, N. Korea, and Pakistan all completely dumfounded by this doubling-down. China, in particular, is extremely worried about a country (us again) so apparently crazy it makes N. Korea look like Tahiti. The best part of it is that we get them to pay for it by lending us the dough! No wonder Tom Friedman of the Times loves those guys! Real morons, even if only you and I know it, Mr. President.

Oh Bam, my favorite "leak" was the one about our pal the Saudi leader, who wanted us to "cut off the head of the snake" by crushing Iran's nuclear plans. Isn't it hysterical to hear the unfamiliar unanimity on every cable gab-fest and in every town square? Everyone is saying: "Hey, Mr. Fat & Lazy, how about taking some of our oil-dollars and an ounce of guts and doing the job yourself, since we're already busy cleaning up your royal messes all over the place." Of course, "they" all think we're Dumb & Dumber on this one too, for even talking to this sleaze, whom we inherited. But, like the Chinese, he has to pay for it. Maybe we are just mercenaries now, but we're mercenaries with a plan!

Finally, and I know how much sacrifice and effort this took for both of us; we and especially our opposition simply had to appear to not really care much about the state of education in the US to make this thing work. There will be time to make up for this later, we hope, but in order to convince the world, especially our enemies (the French are too easy) that we really are this dumb, we could not develop a radically new school plan. Our master plan hinges on the world believing that we are committed to being dumb for generations. Thank goodness those fabulous Kardashian girls were willing to secretly come on board, even if they don't realize Langley runs their whole ditzy show. Brilliant idea and timing.

Admiringly Yours,

Hill

_____________________________________________________________________

POTUS
White House

Note to David Axelrod. Please draft a brief response to State. Also, guard her letter with your life for possible later use (leak), in the event that she wants to challenge us for 2012. As agreed, if our grand plan, Operation D&D,  works, we take full credit, if not, all credit to State and Big Old Foggy Bottom herself!

B. H. O.