- One time, after I only flunked three math tests in a row, they made me see a tutor for five whole weeks! Then, I had to get two C's in a row before they would let me stop. Talk about strict.
- Another time, they would not let me go out one night to see my friends, even though my sister had only been missing for a couple of days. When I protested by sitting on top of my bureau reading the entire Constitution to find the part about my rights, they thought it was great, and handed me the D. of I. to read too! Torture!
- I snuck out my first-storey bedroom window often, but this one time I forgot and came back in the front door early the next morning. They actually thought I had just gotten up early for a change; then, they smelled gasoline from my helping a friend siphon from another car. Grounded for a week. Brutal!
- Sometimes they went to see a musical, ugh, and I refused to go. I had a party one time, and really cleaned up carefully before they returned. They woke me up later to ask where was the dog; they couldn't find him. They accused me of losing him. Totally unfair! He turned up in a couple of days and they made me wash him and walk him everyday for a month. Heartless.
- Every couple of months, my dad made his favorite meal: codfish cakes, baked beans and black-bread that came out of a can; and they made me eat it like in a prison or something. Then they got mad when my sister and I couldn't hold back the gas and laughed 'til it hurt. Food Abuse!
- They got really upset, when I said they could not attend my college graduation, because I had not exactly been attending college and had invested the tuition they'd given me at the track. They totally lost it and didn't understand that learning about horses and track finance from my friend John "Little Tush" Tuccio and his brother Tony "Big Tush" was just as good as college. They made me get a job in an office to pay them back and didn't speak to me for more than a year. Way too harsh!
- When I was only 30, and living at their place, working feverishly (not hard, I just always had a fever) on my third screenplay, they became aware that I had not actually sold the first two yet. They asked me to leave! And they only would give me five measly grand for a fresh start! Unforgivable!
- The final straw was after I had sold more derivative mortgage-backed securities than anyone else in my firm, and had accumulated a solid eight figures worth of cash bonuses. I wanted to buy them a new house. They wouldn't come to the door and told me to go away. They were embarrassed to even know me. So ungrateful. The irony of success!
Ed Note: If there is anyone left who has not heard of The Battle Hymn Of The Tiger Mother by Amy Chua, a Yale Law School Professor, they must have been in Borneo for a while. Before some of you write to tell me that you actually knew my parents and that they were very loving people, save the ink; this was just for fun and I even made some of it up.
No comments:
Post a Comment