Clunk, Clunker, Clunkiest

Congress, being Congress, saw the Cash For Clunkers program as such a resounding hit, despite some minor flaws, that it was quick to seize the opportunity to capitalize on the initiative. We are receiving information from our deepest Congressional sources regarding new similar initiatives, which will also borrow from one budgeted item to fund another, just the same as the Auto Cash For Clunkers deal. Here are some of the new programs:

• Clunker Health Insurance: This has the potential to become an integral part of the new secret national health plan. Citizens and Aliens ( terrestrial, not inter-terrestrial) will be able to trade in their expensive ineffective health plans or proof of having no health plan for a brand new spiffy one. The government will pay a $7,500 incentive for old plans and a $15,000 incentive for proof of having no plan. Funding source TBD.
• Clunker Homes: Why didn't Citi or AIG think of this one! This plan, in the early stages of development, would allow trade-ins of foreclosed or nearly-foreclosed houses for houses in far better financial condition and which are far more energy-efficient than the under-water houses. Cash incentives are still being negotiated.
• Biggest Clunker of Them All Trade: Why not think really big! This proposal would allow Congress to trade its own automobile company, GM, in its entirety, for Honda or Toyota. Although the cash incentive on this deal is potentially huge, the long term benefits of unloading GM for one of the other auto firms is even bigger.
• North Korean Clunker Nukes: The advantages of this crummy Nukes for Cash only deal should be obvious to anyone who knows anything about foreign relations, or anyone related to a foreigner.
• More Modest Clunker Proposals: Clunker Phones for iphones and BlackBerrys, Drab Old Clunker Suits in Your Closet for Armani, Clunker Pittsburgh Pirates for a Real Major League Team, Clunker 401K's For Newer Bigger Ones.

The list, apparently, goes on and on.

Pilgrims, there seems to be no limit to Congressional ingenuity when they put their minds to it, find creative ways to borrow from other programs like Social Security, and believe that you will love them for it.

Sleep tight. Hey, soon you might be able to trade in that Clunker Bed. Ladies, how about the Clunker Husband. And so on.